This is Part 5 in a series called Facebook Users. You can read Parts 1-4 here:
Part 1 - The Detailer
Part 2 - The Feeler
Part 3 - The Joiner
Part 4 - The Gamer

The Cryptic

I must admit, this Facebook User is the one that irritates me the most.  The Cryptic loves posting updates that nobody has any idea what they mean.   If there were rules for Facebook updates, I think the 1st rule should be that it should be able to be understood.  Teenage girls seem to be good at this, but that doesn’t let middage aged men off the hook either.  I think teenagers like to say something so cryptic that only their best friend will understand because they were talking about it just 5 minutes ago, like “… he did it again!”  Maybe they forget that the updates actually go to all of their friends.  Here’s just a few that I’ve recorded over time, all are real status updates, with my comments in brackets.

Green stuff, yuck.
      [probably better to just keep this to yourself, regardless of what you are actually talking about]

can’t believe that just happened
      [if you could fill us in on what you are talking about, maybe we could help you believe it]

No you didn’t!
      [I don’t know what I did, but if it annoyed you greatly, then we are even.]

love, respect, and trust
      [not sure if this person is a fan of these things, or is complaining, or has lost these, or what, but now I’m not feeling these much about now]

OK, that’s the last straw!
      [but unfortunately probably won’t be your last post]

fool me once…
      [I’m gonna bet you’ve been fooled a lot more than that and just didn’t know it.]

that was sooo not cool
      [are you referring to your own status update?]

Knock, knock.
      [might have been cool if they actually had a joke to go with it, but no, apparently just knocking to hear their fingers rattle]

And then there are the one word updates.  Like “…ouch”, “… pass”, “… evil”, “… snorkel”.  I guess these people are just too lazy to type a complete thought or even a sentence fragment.  Or maybe they are big fans of the old gameshow PASSWORD, and we are all supposed to guess.  Or maybe they aren’t getting as much attention as they want and are just trying to remind people they are still alive, while not being too pushy.

And of course, the ever popular Facebook update of “Samantha is…”  I always wonder if this post is on accident because they don’t know how to use Facebook, or if it’s on purpose because they are just so philosophical…  or they need help figuring out what they are… or they are equating themself to God, because the Bible says that’s what God’s name is… “IS”.  I’ve been tempted to reply with “IRRITATING”, but never actually have.  But at least this post wastes the least amount of the reader’s time, because there’s only 2 letters to read.