Who do you think has more experience on dieting?  A skinny guy or a fat guy?  OK, but let’s not kid ourselves - experience does not equal mastery, right?  Kind of like the guy that has a LOT of experience with the 5th grade.  It doesn’t exactly make him a 5th grade genius.  But I’ll bet he’s got a lot of interesting stories to tell, right?  I guess that’s me.  I’ve been fighting with my weight ever since about the 3rd grade.

I’ve done most of the diets out there.  I even tried cutting back on ketchup, but that didn’t last long.  Atkins says ranch dressing is healthy.  Just about every other diet calls it white death.  Some say eat less, some say eat more.  It’s kind of like arguing over religion.  Everybody has good arguments for their theory, and everybody has success stories to show.  Don’t you love those before and after pictures?  He started out as a hippo wearing a fur coat and ended up as Michael Phelps.

Here are some tips I’ve found that work very well.  I’m planning on writing a book on dieting in the future, hopefully before I die of a heart attack.  If you follow these rules closely, I can guarantee you success.

  1. When you are eating food that you would normally eat with a fork or spoon, try losing the utensil and eating it with your hands.  Like spaghetti, a big piece of chocolate cake, banana pudding, etc.  Sound goofy?  Well do you want that six-pack abs or not?
  2. Right before every bite, yell loudly “FATTY WANT MORE ______!”  and just fill in the blank with whatever you are eating.  This one works especially well if performed properly.
  3. And for those of you that have already figured out a plan for #1 and #2, you may only eat while there is at least one other person in the room.
  4. I’ve seen diets that tell you to chew each bite 16 times.  That may work for some people, but not me.  The concept is good, but the plan is too soft.  My plan says to chew each piece 100 times.  This helps in 3 ways.  1) You may get tired and fall asleep before finishing a meal, and 2) your food begins to taste like it was mixed in a blender, and 3) much less yelling.
  5. This tip #5 was inspired by tip #4.  Take your favorite meal, say for example, pizza and cheesecake, and put it into a blender and turn it on high for a couple minutes.  And don’t forget your drink.  This tip pretty much works with anything except in the event you eat an ice cream milkshake for lunch.

I’ll leave you with these 5.  I don’t want to give away all my secrets to show up in somebody else’s book.