I recently found out that it’s a felony in the state of Illinois to “threaten or accost an Umpire in a youth sports game.”  That’s great!  I know they are not the only state to do this, but I’m not sure if Texas is one of them.  That got me to thinking… so I came up with a few more actions that I think should be upgraded to felonies on the law books.  I guess these could be put into their own class of felony called “The Moron Laws”.

  1. It should be a felony to vandalize or riot in the streets after your team wins a sports championship.  What kind of person decides to celebrate his team’s victory by throwing rocks through people’s windows, tipping over people’s cars, or setting things on fire?  It happens just about every time somebody wins a major sports championship.  Maybe we could give all of them their own island to vandalize and just drop them off by helicopter on Moron Island, for good.
  2. Whoever invented those tiny ketchup packets should be charged with a felony.  I don’t want to think about how much of my life I’ve wasted opening ketchup packets.  Has anybody ever just used 1 packet on an order of french fries?  1 packet is enough for about 4 fries.  And then once your fingers get greasy, they are practically impossible to open by hand.  And why are the mustard packets even smaller than the ketchup packets?  Mustard is cheaper right?  But boy, when it comes to mayonnaise, you get a big giant packet?  What’s the deal? Do they size them by their health classification?  You get the least of the healthy mustard, and the most of the fattening mayo.  Are the drug companies behind the packet sizing?
  3. People that use the F-word in their Facebook status updates should be felons.  I just dropped one moron as a friend because he kept using the F-word.  He’s got 450+ Facebook friends.  Does he really think that is appropriate behavior for all of them to see?  What about the kids that see his updates?  And this guy is supposedly an “intelligent person”.  He’s finishing up law school at UT, so you would think he would know better.  I guess this is the type of person that gives lawyers their reputation.  But at least he should make a great politician someday, right?  Maybe we could save ourselves from a few of these bad apples if they were weeded out by the Facebook felon filter early enough.
  4. There are some morons that evidently think its funny to knock down stops signs at the intersection near our home.  These people should be charged with felonies.  Do they not think about what could happen the next time 2 cars approach the intersection and the stop sign is missing?  People have been killed in automobile accidents because of this very thing.
  5. And lastly, it should be a felony to sell a thin crust pizza for the same price as a thick crust pizza.  OK, maybe a little harsh on this one, but it sure bugs me to to pay full price and only get half full.